What's in a name? (Acts 10:14-15)

The people close to me know that I put a lot of time and thought into naming things. In middle school, my best friend created a rule when we were playing video games where you could name the characters. I had to use the default names the first time playing through the game. Otherwise I would sit there for a good 10 minutes trying to come up with the perfect name. And it took me longer to think when he was yelling at me to pick faster.

Changing the name of this blog was no exception. On my first day of brainstorming names I was drawn to one of my favorite chapters in Acts 10. I’m quite the fan of trying ridiculous foods and I like to point to this verse when explaining why Christians don’t have to be kosher. On my trip to Israel, we visited the city of Joppa which is place where Peter had his culinary vision. That’s when I really began to appreciate this verse as it truly applied to us gentiles. This was the moment when God explicitly tells Peter that the gospel is not just for Jews. So let me get this straight… everlasting life and unlimited dinner selection? WIN-WIN! After a little bit of fiddling I pieced together the concise, alliterative, and pseudo-oxymoronic name “Pious Picnic.” My first thought was “meh, I can do better than that.” I fiddled with more ideas for a couple days, but the more “Pious Picnic” lingered in my mind the better it got.

pi▪ous [PAHY-uh s]adjective, having or showing a dutiful spirit of reverence for God or an earnest wish to fulfill religious obligations.

pic▪nic [PIK-nik] noun, an excursion or outing in which the participants carry food with them and share a meal in the open air.

The combination of pious and picnic provides the perfect mixture of spirituality and fun and that’s perfectly aligned with where we’re going. I’m starting to get rather attached to the new name.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: If you find it sacrilegious for an apostle to be playing Frisbee with his halo, it’s important to note that halos are not mentioned in the Bible. Although one translation does use the word halo only once in Ezekiel 1:28, I consider this usage synonymous with “radiance.” In that regard there are multiple mentions of people with a supernatural radiance such as Exodus 34:35 and Matthew 17:2, but I would argue these instances are a different concept than the traditional halo defined as “a shiny disk above your head.” Also halos are not specific to Christianity. For example, a similar concept appears prior to the New Testament in Egyptian hieroglyphs and is also mentioned in the writings of Homer. The halo is merely an artistic representation to indicate a culturally important person ranging from holy figures to rulers to heroes. Besides Peter is throwing his own halo so it’s not bad manners.


If you also define pious as being full of pie:

Isn't it ironic? (Galatians 2:20)

From the tract '10 Reasons Jesus Came to Die' by John Piper

#4) To show Jesus' own love for us

I think that the modern view of crucifixion is the greatest irony in the history of capital punishment. We sort of grasp the concept of pain that Jesus endured (the word “excruciating” literally means “out of crucifying”). However the cross has become overwhelmed by it's own symbolism in Christianity that the original purpose of crucifixion seems to be mostly overlooked or forgotten. The reason Roman's would use this execution method was to dissuade others from committing similar crimes.

First off, this punishment was very public. This is an obvious necessity for the execution to be a warning to others. There are historical references to crucifixions in established places outside city gates. The most famous mass display followed the slave revolt lead by Spartacus where 6,000 men were crucified spanning about 125 miles along the Appian Way which was one of the most prominent roads of the time.

Next, the execution was meant to last a long time. That way more people could experience the show of suffering. Depending on the physical state of the person before they were hung, crucifixion could last from hours to days. Pierre Barbet popularized the theory that the placement of a persons arms while on the cross made it difficult to breath resulting in death by asphyxiation. Later experiments by Frederick Zugibe showed that, while incredibly painful, arm placement didn't cause breathing problems. Death was usually from a combination of slow traumas including blood loss, infection, or eventual dehydration.

Lastly, this punishment was incredibly humiliating and dishonorable. Roman citizen were exempt from crucifixion in all but the most extreme cases such as treason. Unlike most artistic representation from the Renaissance, Jesus didn't wear a loincloth on the cross. Criminals were hung in the nude. This was a display of disgrace in front of all passers-by with the humiliation multiplied when the commended person ultimately needed to “releave” themselves (which also attracted insects). Now combine this with the utter mutilation the body had to endure simply in the logistics of crucifixion and the fact that the body usual didn't receive a proper burial or at best it was extremely delayed.

A historic understanding of crucifixion gives you a much better picture of Jesus' immense love for us. He endure such extreme pain and humiliation to save us. Which leads us to the irony of the cross. The Romans meant for the cross to prevent other people from committing the same actions of the criminal. Jesus changed the cross into the ultimate example of sacrificial love for Christians to follow.

If you knew that, contrary to Kubrick, Spartacus was not crucified:

My Dad's a Mom (Romans 5:8)

From the tract '10 Reasons Jesus Came to Die' by John Piper

#5) To show God's love for sinners

This week I wanted to convey an idea that is more complex so I felt the urge to draw something in the vein of abstract expressionism. This is my attempt to visualize God's love. The most fundamental form of love that we can express is the love of a parent for a child. I myself am not a parent so I've never possessed the overwhelming pride of a father or the abundant love of a mother. At best I'd only experience half of that equation. (The closest I'll ever be to male pregnancy is watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.) But God has love that surpasses both.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: From a casual perusing of the Bible everyone knows God as our Father and thus we skew all his characteristics toward fatherly love. However there are also comparisons of God as a mother (for instance, Isaiah 66:13). This conflicts with our understanding of parental traits being separated into masculine and feminine (for example, Daddy's authoritative love versus Mommy's compassionate love). We can't comprehend the two combined, yet God possesses both simultaneously. Did your brain just explode? It's very limiting to think of God's love in comparison to fathers and mothers. God is love. We model our love after his example. My overarching point is that we often try to make God fit our ideals when we really should be expanding our ideals to fit God. If that's too much to handle, just start by thinking that God is some super-mutant father-mother hybrid.

As for the second layer of the picture, here's an analogy. You're at the park playing with your child, when all of a sudden this ignorant jerk walks by and knocks you to the ground. He spits on you, and walks off yelling at you for being in his way. In the process this jack-wagon is unknowingly about to walk into oncoming traffic. You try to warn him, but he just gives you the finger. You are too far away so in a last ditch effort, you yell out to your beloved child to run into the street of certain death to push ol' Turd Ferguson to safety. This second layer illustrates that God has this super-parent love for his own son and yet he loves you more. He sent his perfect son to die so that you could live. The most amazing part is he did it while you were still a evil jerk-face.

If you get God a present on Father's Day AND Mother's Day:

Return policy (Matthew 2:11)

I'm going to try something a little new this year and all it starts this week. There are a lot of holidays based on the Bible, but many people don't really know what's going on. I thought it would be interesting to do a little background check on these misunderstood suspects as they show up. It's important to note that I don't celebrate a lot of the holidays I plan to look into. I'm just a curious researcher. So let me know if I mess one of them up or if there's a special way you celebrate. And without further ado...

Epiphany or Three Kings Day (it may also be known by Eastern Christians as Theophany) occurs on January 6^th or in some countries the Sunday between the 2^nd and the 8^th. (It could also occur on January 19^th depending on if you're using the Gregorian or revised Julian calendar. No wonder holidays confuse people. I haven't even gotten passed the name and date and there's already numerously confusing variations. Let's just simplify, shall we?) For Western Christians it commemorates the Magi visiting baby Jesus. Check out the background story in Matthew 2:1-12. 

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: There are so many issues with how we perceive the Magi these days. First off, the Bible gives no mention of how many Magi there were, only that there were three gifts. The traditional names of the Magi (Melchior, Caspar or Gaspar, and Balthasar) come from the Greek manuscript entitled Excerpta Latina Barbari from around 500 A.D. Syrian Christians have a different set of three names which would seem to have a better likelihood of actually being from the “far east.” One last little tidbit, the Magi didn't see Jesus in the manager but arrived several days later after Joseph had found a house to stay in. 

There are many more misconceptions with the Magi, but the problem stuck in my brain is related to their gifts. Mainly that I hope they had gift receipts. The gold we can keep, but don't open the frankincense or myrrh. We'll be returning those. What's the deal with the lame gifts? To be honest, we're not exactly sure, but there are generally two schools of thought:

(1) These presents make up the standard king-issued gift-basket. Gold as a valuable. Frankincense as a perfume. Myrrh as an anointing oil.

(2) These presents had a spiritual or symbolic meaning. Gold representing kingship. Frankincense as an incense representing priesthood. Myrrh as an embalming oil representing death.

As an interesting bit of history, before calendars where commonplace, Epiphany used to be when the priests would announce the date for Easter. That kinda sounds like a religious Groundhog Day. Baby Jesus saw his shadow so Easter will be pushed back a month.

If you don't choke on the trinket in your king cake:

Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10b)

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the phrase, the “Will of God.” A natural disaster destroying an impoverished community? A loved one being diagnosed with a terminal disease? An unprovoked hardship occurring at the worst possible time? Why is it that the “Will of God” is usually attributed to some unexplainable catastrophe? Some theologians think it relates to Jesus' “thy will be done” prayer in Gethsemane (Luke 22:42) right before he was arrested, beaten, and crucified. Yeah. That could leave a bad taste in your mouth.

But what about the sunrise? The birth of your first child? A happenstance encounter with a stranger that turns into a life-long friend? Isn't that the “Will of God” too? It's funny how when you're king of the world you celebrate your victory, but when the Titanic sinks you can't figure out why “God works in mysterious ways.” Look at the full verse, it's a comparison of God's will on earth to his will in heaven. Doesn't his will in heaven make it a perfect place? Wouldn't you want that on earth?

A key to understanding the confusing flow of God's will is to remember he's looking at the big picture while you've got your nose pressed against the canvas. Take the Book of Job for example. Nowadays, he's a go-to example for faith in God in all situations. Did Job know this when he lost all of his wealth, most of his family died except his nagging wife, and his body was covered in boils so bad that he scraped himself with shards of pottery to take his mind off the pain? Nope. While Job did bounce back better than ever, he would never know that his true purpose was to inspire people millenia after his death.

Following the will of God is a call to action for you to take part in his perfect plan. Be forewarned that his tasks will be bigger than you think you can handle. But he's gonna help. This prayer is your request for assistance.

In conclusion of the “thy petitions,” we are praying to (1) know God, (2) submit to his perfect authority, and (3) follow his lead in action. With that, we've properly lined ourselves up for the rest of the prayer. You don't want to take off perpendicular to the runaway or else you'll crash into the terminal.

If you've gotten yelled at by a museum security guard for getting too close to the art:

Trust me. I know what I'm doing! (Jeremiah 29:11)

This is one of those verses that comes off as all sunshine and lollipops, but let's think about it from a critical point of view. SCENARIO: Your buddy is driving you down a major freeway at 70 plus miles per hour when the brakes go out. You're starting to freak out, but your buddy says, “I have a plan!” When you ask what it is, he responds, “Trust me. I know what I'm doing!” Your buddy is about to do something that will give you which of the following immediate responses:

(A) “This is a very reliable and well thought out plan. I feel completely safe. Perhaps I will take a nap.”

(B) “What are you doing! I'm gonna die! Good thing I didn't bother putting on clean underwear this morning!”

If you said (A), either all of your friends are highly experienced stuntmen and special ops commandos or the concept of fear has eluded you. When you're in a stressful situation and someone says “Trust me,” that usually translates to “You're not gonna like what's about to happen.”

In this verse, God is saying “Trust me” to the Jews that have been recently exiled from Jerusalem into captivity in Babylon. Here's how the exile process worked. After being defeated, the victors would destroy the city's defenses and religious icons while taking anything of value. In most cases, captives are treated extremely cruelly. The best and brightest of the Jews were deported to the Babylonian capital where they could be closely monitored and controlled. Only the poorest and weakest Jews were left behind. Other Babylonian citizens would then resettle in the area to ensure that the heritage of the Jews is effectively squashed. After all this, the faithful Jews are asking God what to do and he says, “Trust me. I sent those guys to take you away into exile. Don't bother trying to go back to Israel just yet. Set up shop in Babylon, work hard, and pray for your conquerors to be successful and prosperous.” Now does God's planning make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

While your immediate response to God's big plans may be negative, the long term effects will be beneficial if you are faithful. Exile turned out to be not so bad for some of the Jews (see Daniel, Ester, Nehemiah, and more) and their success convinced their captors to allow the Jews to properly return home within a few generations.


If you get in the car with a thrill seeking stuntman and expect a peaceful ride:

You Can't Go Home (Mark 6:4)

Remember that time you pooped your pants in 1st grade? How could you forget? Everyone in your family loves to tell that story as often as possible ...at every holiday ...at your graduation party ...at your wedding. I'm sure they'll draw straws to see who gets to tell it for your eulogy. I admit, I'm guilty of family hazing too. I'll try my best to keep my mouth shut, but when that many people gather together with so much history, you might as well be playing hopscotch in a minefield.

Now multiply that by the celebrity factor. Since I'm not particularly famous, I resort to examples from movies. (Mass media is always right!) The possibilities are extreme but limited. On one end of the spectrum, everyone blows smoke up your butt to try and ride your coattails. On the flip side, you get death threats for being such a tool. To the Nazarenes, Jesus = Ray STinkle (That's were I got the billboard imagery stuck in my head. Laces out!)

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: In verse 3, the townsfolk insult Jesus saying something along the lines of “How did he get so spiritually wise that he can even do miracles? Isn't this guy a carpenter?” Nowadays, carpenters don't necessarily get a whole lot of respect. Sure, it's a skill that requires lots of training and experience, but it has this “grunt work” feel to it. The truth of the matter is that back in the day carpenters such as Jesus were master craftsmen and were in the top 10% of the population in regards to education. It may be more appropriate to compare Jesus to an modern era college-educated architect. So the people's complaint seems to be more about Jesus' trade in relation to religion, such as “Dude, you're trained to build stuff not preach and heal people!”

The interesting question for me is in verse 5. Jesus “could not” or was “not able” to perform any miracles in relation to the people's lack of faith. Is Jesus' power limited by faith? Or was Jesus morally unable to do miracles in order to keep with his common practice of requiring faith before action? Hmmm. If you think about it, simply by definition miracles require faith. Without faith, a miracle would be redefined as a supernatural event of improbable coincidence.

Remember that time you pooped your pants in 1st grade?

Jesus' tomb found! (John 20:6)

Did you know they found Jesus' tomb? In 1980, a tomb was discovered in East Talpiot with 10 ossuaries (a place to store skeletal remains). Six had inscriptions. The most talked about one is Yeshua bar Yehosef which is Aramaic for Jesus son of Joseph. Then there's Maria (the mama Mary), Yose (one of Jesus' brothers), and Matthew (probably one of Mary's relatives). The last two names are straight out of a Dan Brown novel. “Mariamene e Mara” translated as “Mary known as the master”  (Mary Magdalene!?!), and Judah son of Jesus. DNA evidence suggests that Jesus and Mariamene were married. The odds are 600 to 1 that these names would appear together by chance! So not only did Jesus die (meaning he didn't ascend into heaven), he also had a wife and kid. Case closed! Everything your mommy told you was a lie!

Why haven't you heard this iron clad case before? Mainly because this evidence has been disputed by just about everyone including people who were part of the documentary.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Did you know that Jesus was a very common name in the first century and still is today? But I don't have any friends named Jesus! Well, do you know anyone named Joshua? In the original Hebrew, Jesus and Joshua are one in the same. We use Jesus because the Hebrew name Yeshua was translated into the New Testament Greek as Iesous and then into English as Jesus.

In fact, all of the names listed in the Talpiot tomb are common. The probability of this combination of names in one tomb is disputed, ranging from a 1 in 18 chance it's the real deal to 1 in 5,000,000 depending on how you skew the data.

As for the DNA evidence, it proved that Jesus and Mariamene were not maternally related. That means they could be related by father or have been in-laws. Genetics can't prove if two people are married.

Don't get me wrong. I love scientific and statistical analysis, but be aware that results can be spun to imply things they don't really prove. When you aren't playing with a full deck of cards, it's much easier to get the hand that you want.


If for x + y = 3, the variables must be 1 and 2:

Tell that bird man to quiet down (John 18:27)

I came across an interesting article that claimed that the rooster in this verse is a translation error. In this explanation, the Greek word alektor is literally translated as rooster, but was also the name for the priest who functioned as the temple crier. As proof, the article provides an interesting reference from the Jewish historian Josephus who was alive around this same time. He records that no chickens were allowed in Jerusalem because they had a habit of flying into the temple and “defiling” it. So the true translation is that right after Peter denied Jesus the third time, a temple priest proclaimed the changing of the night shift. The article concludes that the mistranslation is really inconsequential because the importance of the events are unchanged, but it does give you a sense of the details you could be missing from the original text. Does this story add something for you with Jesus' trial within earshot of the temple (commonly referred to as His Father's House)?

This is great stuff, but anyone that proposes such a drastic change to the wording of the Bible (even if it is inconsequential) requires further investigation. The authors of the article are practitioners of Messianic Judaism (a form of Christianity that includes some of the Jewish practices). While my beliefs coincide with many of theirs, they are a fundamentally different denomination. Which leads me to my conundrum. Do I trust the teachings of a different group or throw them out the window? You can take this thought experiment one step further. Can the teachings of opposing religions be beneficial? I would argue yes with a caveat. If you have a strong foundation in your own beliefs then you can distinguish between the beneficial and the detrimental aspects of other religions. For instance, Hindu practices probably won't improve your Christian faith, but you could gain insight into the nature of people. On the other hand, if you're not so sure what you believe then you're probably going to confuse yourself. It's important to note that all major religions have irreconcilable differences. It is impossible to follow the fundamentals of more than one.

In conclusion, you may be asking what my stance is on the rooster versus temple crier? Corroborating evidence leans toward the article being correct, but as the Messianic Jews stated, the argument is inconsequential. There are much more important issues to haggle over.

If you haggle at the dollar store:

Immortal, but not like a jellyfish (John 17:3)

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Would you have gotten that game show question right? I wouldn't. That doesn't sound like the eternal life I've been taught. Looks like we need some new definitions.

Let's throw out immortality as represented in fiction. (I can already hear some of you nerds complaining. We can talk about your crazy ideas later) Biologically speaking, immortality is the absence of aging. This is often quantified by the Hayflick Limit which is the number of times a cell can divide before it can not continue. Even if this is achievable you still have to watch out for disease and physical trauma. Right now there are only a few species out there that are contenders for being biologically immortal. There's a couple simple organisms and a tree, but the best of the bunch is Turritopsis nutricula. It's a jellyfish that after it becomes sexually mature can fully revert to a sexually immature stage. That would be like if right before you hit old age (whatever age you currently think is unfashionable) you transform back into your middle school self. If that's my only option, I think I'd much rather take my chances than do that phase again.

How about on the religious end of immortality? When you read some commentary on Jesus' definition in this verse, two things keep popping up. First, the knowledge spoken of here doesn't mean you need some religious secrets to have eternal life. It's a mixture of faith and a relationship with God. Second, the translation of “eternal” refers not only to the quantity of life but also the quality. In Hebrew, eternal life is translated to “life of eternity, age” which directly relates to the idea of the age to come. In Jewish thought, the “age to come” is a time when the relationship with God is restored (pointing back to the Garden of Eden days). We're not talking about living forever on earth. You gonna die (unless we hit the stuff that happens in Revelations). It's a matter of your quality of life on the flip side.


If you still want to talk about immortality in fiction:

Prayer in ADHD (John 17:1)

According to Christian tradition, what are you supposed to do when someone is praying? It's almost always bow your head and close your eyes. What does Jesus do here? He looks toward heaven, which generally means up.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Why am I so wishy-washy on which direction Jesus was looking? The term “heaven” is often interchangeable with the word “sky” or “space.” The sky is generally overhead (given the assumption that you are in the upright position) so people infer that heaven is up. It's even mentioned in the Bible that way. Lots of people will then argue that we've been to space but heaven isn't there. Well, kind and skeptical person, I shall skirt the issue by telling you a story: Yuri Gagarin is often quoted upon his first flight into space as saying, “I don't see any God up here.” Unfortunately, it was actually Khrushchev who said something along those lines as part of his anti-religious propaganda. Everyone pinned it on Yuri because it made the statement hold more weight. A friend of Yuri's quoted him as saying “An astronaut cannot be suspended in space and not have God in his mind and his heart.” Just like a lot of people need to do a fact check on their Yuri Gagarin quotes, maybe you should also reevaluate your ideas of heaven. How many of your presumptions about heaven are found in the Bible and how many are based on secular traditions?

Anyways...(you've probably forgotten what I was talking about so go ahead and read that first paragraph again)...my point is that Jesus does the exact opposite of what Christians are traditionally taught during prayer. His eyes were open and up (I've heard this is customary in Jewish prayers). My rebellious side loves blowing up religious traditions that aren't particularly Biblical. The point of prayer is communicating with God. If it helps you to have a one-on-one conversation with the big guy if you pray while you're doing a handstand in a hoop skirt, go for it! He won't mind!

But I will. Don't do that goofy stuff in front of me. I prefer heads down and eyes closed.


A handstand in a hoop skirt isn't lady-like. That'll cost you:

Friend request from God (John 15:1-6)

This is the last of Jesus' “I am” sayings. The previous “I am's” involved Jesus calling people to him. This final “I am” explains what happens now that we're buddies. In this metaphor, God is the gardener, Jesus is the vine, and we are the branches. You, as a branch, have two options. You bear fruit and get pruned, or you don't bear fruit and get burned.

So what is this “fruit” you're supposed to produce so you don't get whacked? Some believe that this follows John's other mentions of “bearing fruit” where it was an indication of your success in Christian recruitment. Others see the “fruit” as the changes in your life as a result of being a Christian. But “fruit” in this context seems to be a simple representation that you are directly connected to God.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Vines that don't produce fruit are thrown into the fire. When imagery of fire appears everyone jumps to the conclusion that it represents final judgment and hell. This isn't always the case. In the Old Testament, fire usually represents God. As a proponent of “once saved, always saved,” this verse does not mean that God will change his mind later and send you to Hell's barbeque pit. The fire here is simply part of the vine imagery where the only use for use for a dead branch is as firewood.

The real punishment for not bearing fruit is not being connected to God. This seems redundant since the fruit represents a connection to God. So the punishment for not reading your Bible is that you didn't read your Bible? Man, I wish my Mom would have had a punishment policy like that when I was a kid. Let's clarify this concept. When you have a close relationship with God, it's like hanging out with your best friend. If you don't hang out with your best friend, you lose the relationship. Do you have a close friend that you didn't keep up with and when you bumped into them again you had lost your connection? The whole vine/branch metaphor is expressing the importance of a relationship with God.


If you unfriend God:

Veritas vos liberabit (John 8:31-32)

When I was about to put up this picture, I started to feel like using an unlocked ball and chain to represent freedom was a little clichéd. But after a bit of research it seems like the ball and chain metaphor only really applies to marriage anymore. Maybe the other applications have faded away over to past few years. So guess what, boys and girls, I'm bringing it back! And when this freedom metaphor becomes overused again, just remember I was ahead of the curve.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Ever heard the phrase “the truth shall set you free?” It's the motto of several universities, the title of a book by a conspiracy theorist, and a favorite saying of adults when they know children are lying. Ever wonder where it can from? Unfortunately for you non-religious types, it's from this verse right here. And it doesn't mean what you thought it meant. Like so many other verses that become famous outside the Bible, it is drastically taken out of context. It really means that Jesus' teachings are the truth and it will set you free from a sinful life. “The truth shall set you free” is pure, unadulterated Jesus propaganda.


If you hear an atheist say “the truth shall set you free” and you respond with “I never knew you were such a Jesus freak!”:

Gated community (John 5:33-47)

Jesus is continuing to slap around the Jews that are still mad about the whole working on the Sabbath thing. This is one of the rare pictures where I used styles of both rebus and artistic interpretation.

For the rebus, the accusing Jews are holding on to the message of John the Baptist and the Scriptures while denying that both of these are providing testimony for Jesus. As such, they will face Moses as their accuser.

The artistic interpretation is two fold. Since Moses is the accuser, I put him in front of the pearly gates taking over a shift for St. Peter. Second, if these guys are facing Moses, then the Christians on the flip side of the coin should be getting the Jesus free pass into heaven.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: How can the wrought-iron looking gates into heaven be pearly? Well actually, according to Revelations 21:21, there are 12 gates of New Jerusalem which are each made of one single gigantic pearl. Of course when you're telling a joke about St. Peter at the pearly gates it's much easier to imaging a regular looking gate.

If you take a shift for St. Peter (be warned it only pays minimum wage):

Legal eagles and the case of the missing text (John 5:8-13)

What was so special about the Pool of Bethesda that a bunch of disabled people were tanning poolside? If you're reading from the King James Version, you're probably thinking, “Well, duh! They talk about the angel right there in verse 4.” Those of you reading from the New International Version may now be asking yourselves, “Wait, did I miss that?” Go ahead NIVers and check out verse 4 again. Did you even notice it wasn't there your first time through? So why did the NIV skip a verse? (This is not the only instance.) Without getting into the whole KJV-NIV war, the reasoning I have read that NIV scholars omit this specific verse is because it did not appear in the oldest manuscripts which were discovered after the KJV was written. NIV authorities believe it was originally written in the margins by ancient scholars as a study aid, but it accidentally found it's way into the official text through copying errors. There's a lot more that can be said on this subject, but I'll save that for another time.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: When you read a passage like this it's easy to blow off the Jewish authorities as nut jobs who were way too strict about their laws. How could they possibly be so cold about such a small thing as carrying a mat? Students, if you would kindly open your Bibles to Numbers 15:32-36. Based on this passage that these guys would have used as legal source material, now do you think they were overreacting? There is no recorded punishment for mat-guy so it would seem they were actually being relatively level headed about the whole thing. As for poor stick-man, just like above, there's more that can be said, but that will have to wait for another day.

Well it seems I've left you with more questions than answers, and you thought this story was a simple open and shut case (and I barely even got to talk about the passage itself). Just so you leave with some kind of closure, the overall theme I've talked about today is research before judgment.


If you caught the 3+ applications of research before judgment:

World's greatest spokesman (John 4:50-53)

This story makes me realize how powerful it must have been to be in the presence of Jesus. Imagine this: Your child is dying, and you travel a few hours to see a guy that you think is the only one that can help. (Four hours is a rough estimate on the time it would have taken to travel the twenty miles from Capernaum to Cana. It was a relatively short travel distance for the time.) You get there and he just says “You can head on home now. The kid will be fine.” And you do. How compelling would a person have to be for you to do that? This is your child's life we're talking about and you're just like “Okay, I believe you” and leave without any concrete proof. Whew. With that kind of vibe a person could create world peace or convince a vegan to order a steak. You know, whatever comes first.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: For you smarty-pants who say “The clock is wrong. It should be set to the seven.” Well guess what, the seventh hour isn't the same as seven o'clock. Jewish time starts at dawn so the seventh hour is 1 to 2 PM. So there!


If you change your watch to Jewish time:

Double Feature, Part 2 (John 2:15)

Since I had already finished a more literal alternative to trucker Jesus, it only makes sense to show that too.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Most people only think of Jesus as the peaceful, love-thy-neighbor martyr. This is a tribute to Jesus the action hero. If I were directing this scene for Hollywood, right before Jesus unloads a tornado of fury on the money changers, he would say:

     “I have come here to say my prayers and kick butt

          ...and I'm all done with my prayers.”

If you can come up with better dialog for butt-kicking Jesus:

Mind your mama (John 2:6-9)

The story never really tells at what point the water turned into wine. It could have been instantaneous or maybe it still looked like water and just tasted like wine. Who knows. But this is how a showman would do it.

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: Jesus asks the servants to fill jars with water. When you think of the jars an image of the generic average sized pottery jars may come to mind. But really these babies were huge! Each stone jar held twenty to thirty gallons. So Jesus pumped out at least 120 gallons of wine. The stone water jars I've drawn are modeled after jars archaeologists found in the region dating around the same time period.

Perhaps my favorite part of the story comes in verses 3 and 4 where Jesus' mother gets the ball rolling. In my mind, the family dialog goes something like this...
   Mary: Jesus, they've run out of wine.
   Jesus: OK.
   Mary: (Mary just stares at Jesus) ...
   Jesus: Is something wrong?
   Mary: …
   Jesus: Mom, it's none of my business.
   Mary: …
   Jesus: C'mon, Mom! It's my day off!
   Mary: …
   Jesus: Ugh! Fine. I'll make some wine if it'll get you to stop bothering me.
   Mary: (cheerfully) Thanks! (Mary skips away)


If you figured out the military grade flat bottom ladle isn't historically accurate for this story:

Hip to be square...or rectangular (John 1:17)

Alright, I think we've finally got to a straight forward picture. There's ol' Moses with the “law” represented by the Ten Commandments. Next to him is Jesus with “grace”, represented by the cross, and “truth”, depicted in a mini-Jesus teaching a crowd of bald people. I wonder if the bald people are jealous of mini-Jesus' salon perfect hair or maybe the highlights in his beard?

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: How did you know it was the Ten Commandments that Moses was showing off? It certainly wasn't by reading them. (As you can tell, I have no idea how to write in Hebrew. If you look closely, you'll notice a lot of the characters from the first tablet are reused on the second by simply turning them upside-down.) It's that beautiful stone shape with the rounded top that we've grown to know and love. Unfortunately, according to rabbinic tradition those buggers were rectangular. The rounded tablets don't show up in artwork until the Middle Ages, mimicking some of the writing tablets of the day.

If the next time you get a haircut you ask for the “Jesus look”:

Wardrobe malfunction (John 1:14)

This is one of my most requested drawings. It's a predecessor to my illustrated version of the book of John on which most of these initial pictures are based. I guess it was the first time people could put a picture with the words. Or maybe people just like a cool picture of a transformation like with the wolfman or the Incredible Hulk. “JESUS SMASH!” (Hulk Jesus smashes sins!)

MISCONCEPTION CORRECTION: I always enjoy a good picture of Jesus as the whitest dude you've ever seen. Maybe it was really cloudy in Israel for the beginning of the first century. Along the lines of a less drastic misrepresentation of Jesus, what's the deal with his clothes? For some reason I always picture him in a white robe with a blue sash. I'm not sure where I got blue from since the majority of Jesus pictures seem to use red. It must be an image burned into my brain from an early Sunday School lesson or something. Either way Jesus must have had a great dry cleaner. It's ironic that people always depict Jesus in beautiful robes since he rips on that attire in Mark 12:38. I had considered drawing Jesus more accurately, but I figured it would be harder for people to immediately recognize him. And thus the stereotype perpetuates itself.


If the next time you picture Jesus in your mind, he's wearing parachute pants: